A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
SAINSBURYS
Theres 3 men and they all want a job at sainsburys so the 1st man comes in and says
to the manager :1st Man: Can i have a job please Manager:Yes go and do
something dangerous so he does something dangerous comes back and says:
1st Man: Ive done it Manager:How many letters in the alphebet 1st Man:26
Same for 2nd Man
Same for 3rd Man
But on 3rd man Manager:How many letters in the alphebet
3rd man:24 Manager:why you say that: 3rd Man: Because i just blewup B&Q
Caught Speeding
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Adams Rib
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’.
This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed.
She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep.
She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”
Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg…”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?
HE BIG CRASH
It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road.
They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.
The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.
It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up.
The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.
"Aren’t you going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"AFTER the police get here." replies the lawyer
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George’s Day,” commented the English man.
“So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot.
“My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
"That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
The Most Stupid Man On Earth
There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!”
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!”
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.”
No, God will save me!” he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!”
