A panda bear walks into a restaurant.
He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word.
I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women.
I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
THE BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Banta Singh: "Yaar Santa,
Last Year The Name-Plate Outside ur House Read Santa Singh B.A.
This Year It Read Santa Singh M.A.,
Wen Did u Finish urs Masters Degree?
Santa Singh: "You Don''t Understand.
Last Year My Wife Died,
I Put B.A. To Indicate Bachelor Again.
Den I Took A Second Wife, So M.A. Is Married Again
20 Blind Men Joke
Two fraud men go up to 20 blind men and say "Do you want to go on holiday?"
The blind men reply "yeah of course"
So the blind men give the fraud men £2000 each.
The fraud men drive them up to blackpool and put them on the beach, and then
go to the pub,
Whilst there they think that the blind men are going to get bored.
So they buy them a ball and give it to them.
The blind men go "Whats this?"
"Its a ball," replies one of the fraud men
"Well we cant see it!"
The fraud men think shit what we gonna do, they spot a donkey with bells
round its neck so they go and buy sum bells and wrap them round the ball, and
then go back the pub.
Just then an old woman walks in and says "I tell you what the world today its demented"
"Why?" ask the fraud men.
"Because theres 20 blind men kicking shit through a donkey on the beach!"
A young man comes before a customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it.
Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see...
I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"